The fear inside...

I hate being in this constant state of contradiction, feeling lost, having to assume things... I HATE IT!!! Maybe I am just being too weak, or maybe I just care too much, overly sensitive to my surrounding... Don't ask me why, I am like that... and boy do I hate it man....

I am tired... really tired... cause I don't understand, and I do not enjoy leaving a question hanging... I like it solved... coz its bothers me... and no one wants a problem during a weekend when they already have plenty over the weekdays... TRUST ME!!!

Bloody Monitor keep giving me problem, think I have to change it soon before it cause my cpu to crash.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like just screaming like that now man... Thank god for Muay Thai, truely the only things to vent whatever I have within. I think if there is not muay thai, I will be in Hougang Chalet already.

Giving everyone everything and end up with nothing for yourself... should I be so selfish... can't i deserve some too??? Someone tell me??? I am afraid, to do things I want to do... or at least think I want to do... I donno why... but it seems that way... TOTAL SIAN-NESS!!!

Self Reflection...

A series of events lately have really caused me to sit down to reflect on me, Ryan Koh, as a person. This is no bragging session, neither a self pity or whatever you want to see it session. But I really feel that its healthy for everyone to do this once in awhile... To truely understand yourself from ground zero.

Hmm... Honestly, I say I try to be there for everyone of my friends.. those needing a listening ear, a word of advise, a shoulder to rest on and all... So much so I wonder at time, What is the base to the advise I am giving? What made me so special to be advising people. At times I get so overly carried away I will think, Why complicate such a simple matter and broad over it... GET OVER IT ALREADY... but reflecting on that now... its not as simple as it seems.... Coz like they will say, things are often easier said then done. Many a times, maybe me being overly sensitive again, I feel that me extending my aid seem to others as my form of showing off. In what expect I really donno, maybe i am just being to self centered, and feel that all the attention is at me all the time... You know I am not sure if you feel this... but I do all the time... I feel that I am judged every second of the day (except when I am alone, and even then, u do judge urself too... when u look into the mirror). I voice this out and many people just thinks I am being paranoid, maybe I am, but i cannot help it. Serene mention about brain conditioning, and again, I feel that its something easier said then done, if everyone is capable of doing so, psychiatrists around the world will be out of job.

I am sure many of you out there have experienced moment where what u say and what u think is contridicting... Like you tell urself "I can do this" but in your mind you are going "there is no way" yet u try to convince urself you can... Its a kinda conditioning, but I honestly say... it doesn't really work on me... coz many a times, these things that happens to me is a reflecting of my past. so much so it as already turn to a habit, a reflex, something that will come to you naturally when something else happens. Hard to change, but never impossible... working hard on it...

I am into a new phase of workout and trying to 'regain yesterday's glory' and ultimate aims... started my cycle of supplements again. and already catching up on my runs and all... thou the distance remains... still trying to work on my stamina. First run of the year starts in less then a month away. Singapore Passion run, a 15km run this year... ECP, my most hated running round when comes to running event coz its a round about run so everything u see its pretty much the same... SIAN....

There is plenty more to reflect... but I cannot really put them in words right now... so i will leave it as it is now... and maybe a part 2 or what some other day then... Cheers, and have a great weekend ahead everyone!!!!

Rainy day... woo hoo

The day started off rainy... and have not seen the sun all day... not sure will get to see it today lah... Thank god for the plaster (yao gao bu in chinese), have a bad case of stiff neck after yesterday's session of muay thai... guess I really have to strengthen muscles there. Apart from that, yesterday training was pretty fun, a huge group and the cooling down regime was a killer. SHIOK ARH!!! heehz

Learn a very interesting phrase from TV today, or Rui En for that matter. She says, "You can be everything to everyone, but end up being nothing to yourself." I feels its really meaningful and reflects alot on myself. Many a times, I have been so focus in making everyone around me happy, that i neglected myself. Its not wrong to be selfish and think of urself at times... You too need time off you know... hehez

Okok enough on that... Working on heaps of assingment once again as the term is coming to an end... This sem seems so much longer. but at least things are not as packed compared to that last... guess thats y I feel its more of a breeze... but having say that... should try to procrastinate less and get things done and over with... alright then... lunch time... the smell of food is really making me super hungry lah... hehez... Cheers peepz!!!

Yet another hot day...

Mother Nature is finally angry with human taking everything for granted... and its fighting back in every aspect. Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Tornadoes, you name it... and its getting bigger than every. and soon to come, a volcano eruption in New Zealand I think. She seems to be punishing those that are discontented with life... Places like Indonesia, Myanmar, and now China. Indonesia we know its the constant riots and stuff. For Myanmar was also a strike of some sort, and China is the war with Tibet that have sparks many reaction all over the world. With so many incident, it really makes one wonder if Olympics is going to take place this year. Will China place a mark in history, for first and last time hosting such major event? I really wonder... China is undoubtingly going to be a major power one day... but will I live to see it... I ponder...

Today its yet another hot day... this heatwave is frying Singapore man... its like being in a microwave (not that I have physically been in one... but SAME DIFFERENCE) Looking forward to Muay Thai tonight... the sweat and all... woo hoo... Got my supplements this morning... will start the cycle tomorrow on I think. Its really time to make amendments to my sleeping habits, eating habits, exercise regime and time management on a whole. Have plenty to change. Slow and steady is the key.

Hmm... nothing much to share about this bright sunny tuesday afternoon. Except that its HOT HOT HOT!!! haha... oh well looking forward to a packed weekend... so have to see lah.. hehez... Money spending again OMG!!!! have to stay with bread for the week then...

Alright have a great day ahead pple... cheers

oppz. I did it again...

Hello peepz.... been a busy past few days... with many many things, assignments, outings, you name it... but alot involves money, and sadly there ain't much left...OMG FINANCIAL SLOW DOWN COME SO SOON!!!! for me at least... really need to tighten my belt from a waist of 32 to 28 or 26 liao... hahaha (oppz i disclosed my waist size...)

Anyway, to all the mothers out there... HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY!!! Brought my mum to sakea today. Due to the rising food prices, sakea have also increase in their price per plate... its no long 1.99 per plate people, its 2.29 per plate liao... red plate is not 5.99 liao... CRAZY ARH!!! but since it was for a special occasion then nvm lah... PPLE WATCH OUT ARH!!! hehez sakea is no longer cheap liao...

This weekend has been pretty packed... Friday, went to JB with Herbert and Terence, bert needs to top up on some office wear for his new job with ANA, ALL THE BEST YAH BRO!!! hehez... managed to get quite a few nice ones... I got myself a couple too and pants... hehez... ended up i got the entire set when he only got tops... but nevertheless, it was good "harvest". The rush back was crazy... we wanted to make it for Marie Digley debut performance at Velvet Underground for her promo album. Was late by 1/2 hour but still managed to get in. She can sing, but honestly, to offence to her fans out there. Its forgettable, if she is not yet discovered by big organsation, then this might jolly well be her first and last album. But she is drop dead chio lah... for that matter. As we were leaving after that... get to meet her face to face, too bad I didn't bring a camera (due to the rush) if not I will definately take a pic with her. After which, went to Wine Connection down at Robertson Quay (which bert kept pestering to go... hahaha and get intro to those SIA ger frens of ours... hahaha) for a little wine, and chat before heading home in night-rider.... send Serene home first of course... hehez.. couldn't let her go back herself at that hour can't I? hahaha

Saturday, went dragonboating with Serene, her company team and she ask me to try out. Was at Bedok reservoir, was a neat sessions, but through that session have really experience the importance of the basics (something i have neglected in the pass) I would say I did a good session with them, and for a first time meeting up with them... they are really friendly people... Evening went for a walk in town with Serene (after showering at home and all of course...hee) and yeah... pretty much summed up the day

Sunday, assignment block the entire day... progress and tension is building up...as my procrastinating nature have once again put these stress mode back on me... working slow but steadily to the finishing line... hopefully i won't do so bad... That about it for now... the week ahead, really not expecting anything big... But really want to get all the assignments done once and for all... so that i can chill already...

Have a great week ahead everyone!!! Cheers!