This things seems to hit me in waves... and more so when I age... guess its for the fact that what lies ahead is still a blur... What do I want? what exactly do i want? Honestly I haven't the slightest clue. I choose to tell myself many things... I know it but I am still doing it... Which can be pretty sucky at times. I whine that I am caged, but m I really? or did i chose to be?
I should already count my blessings as life have been pretty kind to me thus far. Guess I have been pampered till this stage, so much so that I don't really know what it is like to fail, or get rejected, or fall. But yet i do not feel happy, more worried. The "what ifs" just keep attacking me from all directions. Why can't i get on with life, get a vision of how my future is going to be and work towards it? What is this inner fear that comes out more frequently to haunt me? So much so till a point i feel consumed in it already.
Many opportunities are coming my way now... yet what i look forward to initially has excuses formed within to reject them all. why am i like that... I really don't know. Have I lost the urgency of life? I really wonder.
"I don't know what I want", What exactly is dreams, what do I wish to achieve in life... Do guiding star exist... if so... where is mine? i wonder....