Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A day have past....

After an entire day, thou have been busy at work and all, its have never got my mind off the matter, however, I managed to sort and clear things up quite abit. Though I am still in the process of slowly picking myself up... this process is made faster as there is someone waiting at the end of the line for me. Its no longer about myself now.

Will improve myself to improve us.... cheers!!!

What Use have I???

What do you want Ryan??? This question have been going through me... for the moment I open my eyes... its was with me before i close my eyes yesterday... and today, wishing it will go away... it didn't...

What give me the right to hurt others? I didn't mean to... that's just an excuse I am using currently I feel... Whats my fear? I don't know. I just know that I am a F**King bad guy... I dun deserve anyone to be in my life... Its nobody's fault that I feel this way about myself. The problem with my upbringing? Have I been too "pampered" and "over sheltered" to even take this kinda thing? Worse is when I know I am at fault, yet you have to come console me, what use have I?

Life is really screwed for me now, my diet is screwed, order in life is screwed, and the realization of my own character is screwed have really brought be to rock bottom... I need time to sort it out, will you be there to wait for me? or what.... i wonder?

I am a great pretender, thats for sure, my strong front deceives even those that are hypersensitive people. Outer shell, I am this strong, witty, happy person, how i wish I am like this in the core too.. but guess what, inside its empty. I am just an empty shell...

I contradict alot of my own words, I realised it. I remember I say I do not feel sorry about myself, and yet I am here saying what a LOSER in life I am (and its true, I am). But I am sure I will not stay a loser, its just takes time for me to see the light and pick myself up again.

I am sorry to you, for causing u to be in so much pain and suffering. My existence turned u into a liar, something I am sure you never was. I seem like nothing but bad company, and yet u are still ever so understanding, saying its ok and all.

What initially was pain inflicted by me to u, ended in u having to console me despite the one being hurt is you. What use have I? I say to myself... At this point of time... even I despised myself. Ryan is a coward, a useless Bum, a NATO (No Action Talk Only) ass.

Bottomline is... I am sorry... I am.... I really am....